I ended my previous Christian’s Expositor article on the qualification of “husband of one wife” with the following:

An Elder is not the only one in his family who is subject to the qualification requirements and process. Not only must he qualify individually, his family is also included in the qualifications. All in the family are subject to the same process of evaluation and approval for the qualifications that apply to them. Any part of the family who fails to meet the qualifications disqualifies the man from serving in the office. As Paul writes, “if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (1 Tim. 3:5, ESV).

Inspired qualifications and on-going service requirements for an elder are listed in First Timothy 3, Titus 1, and First Peter 5. Please notice the many specific and implied family references in these verses.

This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he desires a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil (1 Tim. 3:1-7).

For this reason I left you in Crete, that you should set in order the things that are lacking, and appoint elders in every city as I commanded you —  if a man is blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination. For a bishop must be blameless, as a steward of God, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but hospitable, a lover of what is good, sober-minded, just, holy, self-controlled, holding fast the faithful word as he has been taught, that he may be able, by sound doctrine, both to exhort and convict those who contradict (Tit. 1:5-9).

The elders who are among you I exhort, I who am a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, and also a partaker of the glory that will be revealed: Shepherd the flock of God which is among you, serving as overseers, not by compulsion but willingly, not for dishonest gain but eagerly; nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock; and when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that does not fade away (1 Pet. 5:1-4).

Peter reminds us an elder and, by implication, his family, are “examples to the flock.” Weymouth’s translation of this verse is, “not lording it over your Churches but proving yourselves patterns for the flock to imitate” (1 Pet. 5:3, Weymouth New Testament). We are comfortable with patterns. We follow God’s patterns in obeying the gospel and in worship. Paul told our brethren at Philippi, “The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you” (Phil. 4:9). An elder should be able to say to the congregation, “What you see in me and my family, do…”

How to comply with the “faithful children” requirement has generated many questions through the years. Those questions include:

• Must an elder have any children?
• May an elder have only one child or must there be more than one?
• Must all the children be members of the church?
• May a man be ordained if he has children who are young and not yet members?
• Must all the children be faithful (in the church) if they are older and no longer live in their parent’s home?
• If an elder can qualify with children who are not faithful Christians or are not Christians at all, how many children must be faithful or unfaithful before he is qualified or disqualified?
• Is it OK to have no faithful children?
• Must he have at least one child who is a faithful Christian no matter how many children he has?
• Is the qualification for faithful children satisfied only by the child’s relationship with his or her father and it makes no difference if they are members of the church?
• Is being accused of dissipation or insubordination the only reasons a child would disqualify his or her father from being an elder?
• Does dissipation or insubordination ever just mean “out of duty,” as we commonly call individuals who are not faithful?
• Can an accountable-aged child who is not a member or not faithful in the church be considered someone who is “in submission with all reverence?”
• Is the qualification of 1 Timothy 3:4, “having his children in submission with all reverence,” satisfied only with the qualification of Titus 1:6, “faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination,” or is the 1 Timothy qualification of submission a larger, more umbrella-like statement that includes more than the focused Titus statement?
• Must the elder’s children only be considered during the time they are in the home?
• If an elder’s children are grown and away from the home, can all their lives be ignored in the qualification process?

These and many more questions have been raised through the years for discussion. Most preachers are accustomed to being asked questions describing many real situations that occur in our families. It is certainly beyond the scope of this brief study to attempt to review the many proposed answers to these questions.

The views among us are on all sides of the questions raised. Among us we have elders whose children were all known to be faithful Christians at the time of the ordination and now. We have elders with children who were not faithful when their father was ordained and are still not faithful. We have had elders who continued in their position when their once faithful children turned away from God and we have had elders who resigned in such circumstances.

For disclosure, I believe the “belt and suspender” approach is best for the qualification of faithful children. By that, I believe the Scriptures teach that every child of an elder must be described and well-known as a faithful Christian, without even a suggestion otherwise, when ordained and afterward.  Anything less than the ideal is likely to cause complications in an elder’s ability to lead the congregation that ordains him.

In working with a congregation toward an eldership, I share in initial meetings I will not ordain a man who has any child not considered a faithful Christian. I also share, if we reach the point of ordination and it is the will of the congregation to ordain a man who has children who are not yet Christians or are not faithful Christians, I will step aside for them to contact a different evangelist to assist them.

I have discovered that approach eliminates much of the negotiation that can be attempted around the “faithful children” area of the qualification process. Many congregations believe they need to figure out a way for anyone who leads them now to be an elder to avoid problems and hurt feelings. That is not the case. A good man who is found to be unqualified to be an elder does not cease being a good man. He can, depending on his circumstances, still be counted among the “chief men” in the congregation (Acts 15:22), but he should not want to have the rules twisted for his situation so he can become an elder.

It has been my observation when an unqualified man is ordained as an elder with the promise of future compliance with a qualification, that very area is where the congregation will have issues.

For example, a man put in office who only associates with his immediate family may promise to start being hospitable, but he really does not know the congregation well enough to be trusted by them. Issues can develop in families and it is unlikely that elder will be aware or have any influence to help.

A man who has been a “leader” but has no Bible knowledge can be put in office with a promise to start studying and teaching, but he really does not know the Scriptures well enough to give a Bible solution to any issue. When false doctrine starts to creep in among families and the pulpit, he is clueless to what is happening till it is too late.

A man ordained whose family life is known to be a mess, but who promises to get his family on the right track is rarely able to accomplish that. Many times, his own family members are influencing the congregation toward weakness as he is teaching about strength. If that is the case for an elder, this is the area of his greatest vulnerability in working with others. His temptation will always be to tolerate rather than teach and correct, because that is what he does with his own family. The worst example I have known of this was an elder who was deceitful about his unmarried daughter living with a man while all in the family, including the elder, pretended they were married when they came to church.

We have an ancient example of a prophet’s sons being eliminated from the priesthood because of their sinful choices. Interestingly, the father received blame for the actions of his adult children. In the Old Testament days of prophet Eli, his adult sons (who were also priests) were evil men. Eli did protest some, but did not stop them, and even joined them in part of their wrong. He did not participate when they seduced women bringing their offerings (1 Sam. 2:22-25), but he did partake of the choice pieces of meat his sons demanded from the people’s offerings instead of taking pot luck from whatever the hook brought up from the pot (1 Sam. 2:12-17). The Lord told Eli through young Samuel, “For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them” (1 Sam. 3:13). To not restrain them means he did not even “frown” at their behavior. This was shortly before Eli died at 98 years old.

Dunagan answers the question:

“Must all the children believe?” Admittedly, this is what we would all like to see, for no one would have a problem with a man whose children were all Christians. It seems to me that anything short of this opens up a number of problems. And anything short of this means that we are now operating upon pure human wisdom or logic (Mark Dunagan, Commentary on the Bible, https://www.studylight.org/ commentaries/dun/1-timothy-3.html, accessed July 3, 2020).

In my view, qualifying to be an elder can be compared to a type of group project for the household rather than just looking at the individual who will bear the title and have the responsibility. In school, a group project is where everyone in the group participates and everyone in the group gets the same grade for the project. If the group project is writing a paper where the work is assigned within the group, there may be portions of the paper that are great and portions that are dismal. The instructor will give the same grade to each student in the group to reflect the blending of all the work. No, that is not how eldership qualification works.

In the eldership, everyone in the family must achieve their own passing grade, if you will, for the family to qualify. It is not appropriate to say an amazing wife makes up for a certain number of categories where her husband does not qualify. Neither is it appropriate to say that a number of qualified children make up for a number of children who are not qualified. One individual in the family who does not fit their qualifications prevents the whole from proceeding.

As we know, God has assigned men to a position of leadership in the Christian home. “But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor. 11:3). With that assignment, the quality of everyone’s life in the family is always a reflection of the man’s leadership. We are accustomed to that concept. The church is described as, “a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish (Eph. 5:27), reflecting the sinless Savior who is the head of the church. Christ is perfect in his role. As the church, we aspire to achieve our part of that beautiful image of the church, knowing that is the expectation of the sinless Christ.

No one in our earthly families can ever claim perfection, yet a husband and his wife are to be the earthly image of the wonderful relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5).  An elder and his family are to have “no outstanding warrants,” meaning all have made any wrongs right and there is nothing in their lives that will detract from the man’s influence as an elder being able to lead God’s people by word and example. In Proverbs 31, the man was able to sit at the gate of the city with the other city elders to help advise others because of the quality of his own life, and the lives of his virtuous wife and excellent children. “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land… Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her…” (Prov. 31: 23, 28).

When the family leadership of a man who would be an elder is reviewed, he must receive the score that he manages “well,” or “competently” (Christian Standard Bible). This is not just who he is as a Christian man. This is a combination of who he is and how his family responds to his leadership. He must manage and lead well; his wife and children must also be good examples of fulfilling their role assignments.

Staton comments,

This [must manage his family well] literally means, one who stands before his family—not above. He is a leader whom they are willing to follow because of his model character, not because he is a dictator. He stands before his family as a shepherd would stand before is sheep—to lead and to guide. He does not drive them or shout orders that have to be obeyed or foster paranoia or fear. They know his voice and know that his voice is for their benefit (Knofel Staton, Standard Bible Studies, Timothy-Philemon, Standard Publishing, 1988, p. 76)

We are given the reason for the caution for an elder’s family: “for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?” (1 Tim. 3:5).

Since the quality of a man’s leadership is first seen in his family, no man should be turned loose to help manage a congregation if he struggles in his role at home. A poorly managed home where relationships are not as they should be, or where individuals have little or no interest in spiritual things, is an automatic disqualification for one who would be an elder. It is certainly true that we are all free moral agents to choose whether to follow God or not. A recalcitrant child may decide to turn against every value of their parents completely for their own reasons. Nevertheless, they are a measure of the leadership of the home.

Ronny Wade, in “The Querist Column” of the Old Paths Advocate, remarked after quoting 1 Timothy 3:5,

This shows that all an elder’s house must be faithful. “House” here is a metonymy. The house for the contents of the house i.e. a man’s family, hence one non-Christian child will disqualify an elder, (because he is not ruling part of his house or family) even if he has other children that are believing (Ronny F. Wade, “If You Ask Me,” The Querist Column, bjf Publications, 2013, p. 179).

Ward comments,

Children who are not believers are a living, permanent contradiction of an elder’s message and may – but not always and not necessarily—point to his own failure. In any case they “cramp his style.” Every time he offered a rebuke or made an appeal he would be open to the charge, “What about your own children? (Ronald A. Ward, Commentary on 1 & 2 Timothy & Titus, Word Books, Waco, Texas, 1974, p. 239).

Lenski writes,

Ill-trained, bad children reflect on any pastor, not merely because they are hurtful examples to the children of the members of the church, but still more because they show that the father is incompetent for his office (R.C.H. Lenski, The Interpretation of St. Paul’s Epistles of the Colossians, to the Thessalonians, to Timothy, to Titus, and to Philemon, Augsburg Publishing House, 1964, pp 586).

Views by commentators that the child’s faithfulness is to the parent and not to God may be affected by doctrinal error. When commentators falsely believe salvation is a miraculous experience rather than a free-will informed choice of obedience to God’s Word, they will not insist children of an elder must be “faithful” in a spiritual sense. Such are the views of Strauch, Gill, and others. Strauch writes,

Those who interpret this qualification to mean that an elder must have believing, Christian children place an impossible burden upon a father. Even the best Christian fathers cannot guarantee that their children will believe. Salvation is a supernatural act of God. God, not good parents (although they are certainly used of God), ultimately brings salvation (John 1:12,13) (Alexander Strauch, Biblical Eldership, Lewis and Roth Publishers, 2005, p. 229)

Wade discusses the personal responsibility of adult children:

Children reach a point in life when they become personally accountable to God for their actions. They have free will and are able to choose for themselves how they live and behave…A father is not responsible for the conduct of a child over whom he has no control or oversight. He does not bear the guilt, so saith the Scripture. This of course, does not relieve him of the heartache or remorse that he feels at the rebellion and disobedience of his children. The fact, however, that a parent may not be responsible for his child’s conduct does not preclude the fact that such conduct might reflect unfavorably upon the parent (Querist, pp. 175-176).

When helping a congregation with evaluating their readiness for an eldership I use a simple questionnaire that turns each qualification into a question that is to be answered with a “yes,” “no,” or “maybe/need to discuss.” In the questionnaire I also provide room for comments. Thus, the questions, based on the King James Version, regarding a potential Elder and his children include:

Does he rule well his own house (1 Tim. 3:4)?

Are his children in subjection with all gravity (1 Tim. 3:4)?

          Child 1        ________________________   (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 2        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 3        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 4        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

Does he have faithful children (Titus 1:6)?

          Child 1        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 2        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 3        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 4        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

Are his children accused of riot or unruly (Titus 1:6)?

          Child 1        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 2        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 3        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

          Child 4        ________________________  (Yes/No/Maybe)

To each child of an Elder candidate, I ask:

Child of  ___________________

Questions for Children of Elder candidates: The members of the congregation will be asked about your character. The questions they will be asked include:

Are his children in subjection with all gravity (1 Tim. 3:4)?

Does he have faithful children (Titus 1:6)?

Are his children accused of riot or unruly (Titus 1:6)?

         Is there anything in your life that could bring embarrassment to the church or your family if your father is selected as an elder?

As you understand the qualifications for a man to be an elder do you believe your father is qualified?

An elder is required to be “one who rules his own house well.” To rule is to “manage” or “lead,” as Young’s Literal Translation suggests, not as a despot, barking orders to cowering subjects, but as a loving husband and father who serves others and sacrifices himself in spiritual leadership in his assigned role. Thayer defines the word καλῶς (kalos), translated “well,” as “beautifully, finely, excellently, so that there shall be no room for blame.”

To rule is not like a king on a throne, but as a loving servant leader: Paul described how a father is to act with his family:

You are witnesses, and God also, how devoutly and justly and blamelessly we behaved ourselves among you who believe; as you know how we exhorted, and comforted, and charged every one of you, as a father does his own children, that you would walk worthy of God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory (1 Thess. 2:10-12).

As a result of his leadership, an elder must fit the description of “having his children in submission with all reverence” (1 Tim. 3:4). To be in submission or subjection includes to be under the control of another.  The English Standard Version (ESV) puts an emphasis on the role of the father, “He must manage his own household well, with all dignity keeping his children submissive.” That would indicate this is nothing that happens by accident, but is a culture carefully, lovingly, planned and executed in the home.

Patton adds,

This presents a picture of a father whose children respect and honor him so that he is able to counsel, guide, and lead them in obedience to all duly constituted authority—parental, civil, and divine (Marshall Patton, Truth Commentaries: The Books of 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, Guardian of Truth Foundation, 2001, pp 72).

An elder must be described as “having faithful children.” But to whom is the child faithful? To God? To the family’s father? Familiar names to us are aligned on either side. Coffman says that Zerr’s opinion is worthy of consideration when he says the passage means children who are faithful to their father. Coffman does add that it could mean “children that are baptized believers,” because Paul frequently used “believing” as a synecdoche embracing all of the primary steps of obedience to the gospel, but there is no certainty that he did so here” (James Burton Coffman, James Burton Coffman Commentaries, 1 & 2 Thessalonians, 1 & 2 Timothy, Titus, and Philemon, ACU Press, 1986 revised edition, p. 305).

Patton comments,

While some would relate the faithfulness here demanded only to the father or parental authority, I hold that it is more inclusive. A child yet unaccountable could hardly afford proof of the father’s ability in the area this family qualification is designed to prove, namely, ability to rule well, train, and teach effectively before his appointment to the eldership. A child fully accountable who had obeyed the gospel and was living accordingly, would afford such proof (p. 72).

Spain comments,

The content does imply the children’s relationship to their fathers, as in 1 Timothy 3:4,5, signifying obedience to them as parents. But, the context here [Titus 1:6] suggests more than this. The words that follow: not open to the charge…suggests that they are old enough to be Christians…It seems safe to conclude that children who are old enough to conduct themselves in such a manner are also old enough to obey the gospel and to embrace the Christian faith…In such a context the use of believers in the sense of being a Christian is defensible” (Carl Spain, Living Word Commentary, The Letters of Paul to Timothy and Titus, R. B. Sweet Co., Inc., 1970, pp 170).

Wade refers to the sixty-six times the word pistos [faith or faithful] is used in the New Testament in various ways and makes the point, “Not one time is this word used of little children” (p. 178). He said, “It is the conviction of this writer that the word “faithful…refers to a believer in Christ or a Christian” (p. 177).

An elder’s children are to be of excellent character so they cannot accurately be “accused of dissipation or insubordination.” These words are also translated  as “riot or unruly” (King James Version); “wild and disobedient” (New International Version); “debauchery or insubordination” (English Standard Version); and “wildness or rebellion” (Christian Standard Bible).

The emphasis is that an elder’s children are not open to charges. Arichea and Hatton comment,

An alternative translation model for this verse [Titus 1:6] is: A church leader must be without fault (or, have a good reputation) and have only one wife. His children must be believers in Christ. They should not be known for wild behavior or for being disobedient” (Daniel C. Archean and Howard Hatton, A Handbook on Paul’s Letters to Timothy & to Titus, UBS New Testament Handbook Series, United Bible Societies, Biblesoft).

The two words chosen to represent the disqualifying behaviors of Titus 1:6 appear to represent bookends of bad conduct. This is like what we find in the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15. Dissipation or riot is what the prodigal son was guilty of doing in a far country. “And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal [riotous, KJV] living” (Lk. 15:13). His older brother’s behavior was not the same, but could be described with the words, insubordination or disobedient. Regardless, neither individual’s behaviors are acceptable for the children of one who would be an elder. In fact, no one should be able to even suggest such charges against a child of one who is an elder.

Since we always allow every passage addressing a subject to be part of our belief on that subject, we must coordinate Paul’s instructions to Timothy with his instructions to Titus. Paul said to Timothy: “having his children in submission with all reverence” (1 Tim. 3:4), and to Titus: “faithful children not accused of dissipation or insubordination” (Tit. 1:6).

We can see from the Titus statement two ways a child could be considered unfaithful—by dissipation or insubordination. In First Timothy, however, there is more to consider with the concept of “submission.” This is the same word used in the passage: “Let a woman learn in silence with all submission” (1 Tim. 2:11).

On the concept of submission for the woman of 1 Timothy 2:11, Dunagan comments:

“With entire submissiveness”: “Subordinating herself in every respect” (Arndt p. 847). Of course, submissiveness cannot be forced, rather this is something that a woman voluntarily does. “She is to conduct herself in a manner which does not writhe under authority. She is not to regard herself as unnecessarily imposed upon because of her sex. She is exhorted to assume the attitude of a disciple and be continually learning” (Kent p. 112) … (Mark Dunagan, “1 Timothy 2:4,” Commentaries on the Bible, https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/dun/1-timothy-2.html.1999-2014.)

When this application of the meaning of “submissiveness” is applied to an elder’s children, their obedience needs to be voluntary and exemplary. Notice the Titus passage is not debating degrees of wrong for acceptance of an elder’s children, but is saying they should not even be accused. There should not even be a hint of these types of wrong behaviors because such would disqualify their father from the office.

It is interesting we find no one identified as an elder’s family member being part of problems in a congregation addressed in the New Testament. That speaks well for the families of elders in the first century. Unfortunately, we do not find the same for elders themselves. In addition to attacks from outside the church, Paul warned the elders from Ephesus, “Also from among yourselves men will rise up, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after themselves. Therefore watch, and remember that for three years I did not cease to warn everyone night and day with tears” (Acts 20:30-31). While this may not have meant the elders themselves would go astray, the apostacy of the congregation would happen on their watch.

May the Lord bless us with the knowledge, faith, courage, determination and self-discipline to have many qualified families so elders can be ordained everywhere in every church, just like Paul and Barnabas did on their first missionary journey (Acts 14:23).

Article By: Greg Gay | 3816 Tambos Trl, Edmond, OK 73034 | papagreg@aol.com